Confused and Discouraged

This is just going to be a long, rambling post, so don't worry about trying to follow along. It's not meant to make any rational sense, I just need to get some thoughts out, vent, and try to figure some stuff out.



I've been discouraged quite a bit as of late. I've been in a relationship for over a year, waiting for something to develop out of it, but nothing has and I don't know what to do. The entire relationship is kind of dysfunctional and messed up to begin with...it was something that started with a co-worker. HUGE NO-NO...things just started on the wrong foot. We kept things secret for a number of reasons, the main ones being we didn't want the relationship to become an office topic of conversation, and we really didn't know how to reconcile the relationship with the company policies on relationships...I think you're supposed to talk to HR about it, but I wasn't comfortable doing that...it just seemed weird to me.



So we dated. In secret. For over a year. We argued a lot over things being a secret, and it's been the one thing that has bothered me the most...but at the same time, I've been afraid to make it public because of the work situation and lately, there's been instability in the department, so I'm even worried for my job security if this gets out.



About 2 weeks ago he left the company and got a position elsewhere. When he was offered the other job, I was so excited because I thought may for once, I might have a normal relationship that I don't have to hide...well, it's been 2 weeks, and yesterday was the summer party for my company. I had gotten him tickets to join us, but he wasn't comfortable coming (he said), so I told him it was up to him. He decided not to come. I got my kids ready, and went. Apparently, he spoke to a co-worker of mine, who "talked" him in to coming to the party. However, when he came, he acted as though he barely knew me, as just another office acquaintance, and spent the day with other co-workers...this bothered me. First, because he didn't want to go to the party with me, but was more than willing to go with someone else. Second, because once there, he continued to play the "secret relationship" game, and ignore me as though nothing was going on.



Why hide it? I guess I could have moved all of my stuff to sit by him, but at that point, I had already settled in to where I was set up. I'd told him where we were sitting, and he set up next to another single female co-worker and spent the evening helping her out...while I struggled with four kids...nice. I guess I'm still really pissed about it, despite the fact that I told him it sucked. I don't feel like he gets it. It was lame of him to show up, then ignore me. What have I wasted the last year for? I could have found a real relationship in that time, where I was in a happy relationship I could be proud of where I didn't have to sneak around and hide.



This relationship does not feel healthy to me. I really don't feel like it is, and I know that I deserve more than something where I have to sneak around, and settle for whatever I can get. I just tolerate it all because it feels like it's all I can get. I'm a single mother of three who's been divorced for 2 years. Sometimes I feel like that makes me a second class person who doesn't deserve the real thing again because I screwed it up the first time, so now I just need to be thankful for whatever get's thrown my way, and not expect more.



It sucks to feel almost worthless...it sucks to feel like you deserve more, but can't get it because you're divorced...and had your chance....



that's how I've been feeling lately. He says he want's to marry me, and i've told him I want that too, but I don't see how that's gonna happen anytime soon, considering this whole thing's been a secret for so long and he's not comfortable with it being public...or is it me who's not comfortable with it? what could i have done? I don't know...maybe i just expect too much...expecting him to be assertive about it and change things...do I have to do it myself? is it even fair for me to expect a non-secret relationship at this point? do we have to start all over again, not in secret? have I just wasted a year of my life with someone it couldn't have worked with because we worked together? I feel like I have. I feel like I could have found someone else who was available in that time, and gotten to know them well and fallen in love. And the whole relationship could have been out in the open. Have I wasted my time then? How do I fix things? I don't konw. I'm confused.



And that's my life.

'06-'07 Catch Up!

WOW! I haven't posted in almost a year...I can't believe I've let so much time go by! Well, for starters, there really haven't been any major changes in my life since I last posted, I still have the same job, same kids, same house, same dog, same secret love life I'm not supposed to have...yeah, that last one there hadn't been mentioned on the blog before, but it had started up before I had last posted...more on that later.

I'm still divorced, still butt poor, but still pretty darn happy. My kids are amazing, and I love them so much! They're growing up so quickly, and I'm convinced they're brilliant. Rather than brag about their academic endeavors though, I'll just admit that I'm a very proud mama.

This past year we've kept busy with some new activities! The girls got started in basketball this year, to round out the soccer they had been playing. They also started taking Hula lessons in the fall, and it's been so much fun watching them learn more about their heritage.

This past summer we went to southern california and had an amazing vacation. My family had a reunion of sorts, and we all went to disneyland, san diego zoo, and universal studios. It was a busy, but very fun week. It was also my family's chance to meet my other half...he flew down to meet us and spent half the week with my family, then helped me drive back home with the childrens.

I've also gone to Seattle and Boston for work conferences, did a couple more small triathlons, then quit exercising almost completely. I was supposed to run the St. George Marathon last october, but on my way down to st. George, some stupid driver rear ended my car, so I only got as far as Payson.

Thanksgiving was spent with the BF's family (since mine is so far away). I had the kids that weekend, and they had a lot of fun too. Christmas was hard because I didn't have them for the first half of the holiday, so I was pretty lonely and sad, even though I was surrounded by BF's family. They've really been great and welcomed me into their home. I like that a lot, though I'm still getting used to it, and still struggle with letting myself get totally comfortable around them. I made the mistake of trying that with my ex-inlaws, and it really hurt when I ended up losing those relationships completely. So I'm a bit apprehensive when it comes to warming up to prospective in-laws...

I'm getting along better with the ex, though it was a bit awkward for a while when I first started dating BF...things go smooth now, it looks like he's accepted the fact that I'm seeing BF now and we're getting more serious (it's been over 9 months now).

I'd like to get more serious with BF--like talk about getting married, but the work thing makes it really difficult. We work together, and there's a policy about romantic relationships with co-workers. No one knows anything's going on, even though we've been seeing each other for almost a year. Some days I have a hard time with that because people often try to set him up on dates or talk about his being "single"...I get jealous. No one even worries about me being single, since I'm kind of spinsterly and divorced. That kind of sucks, but whatever. I guess it helps them not notice we've been dating because I'm probably the last person they'd imagine him with (the single mother of three...)

Anyways, that's kind of a quick synopsis of my life over the past 9 months...it goes by way too fast...I put in some random pics from the last few months to help catch up...

HAPPY BIRF-DAY TO ME!!!!

Today was fantastic! Not because I did anything big or exciting, but it was a holiday, so I got to relax, spend some time with the girls at home, and take a nap. My cousin who lives in my basement planned a bbq this evening, so I didn't have to cook! Also, right at midnight I got my first present, and the day was just perfect from there on! I have an awesome new friend who finds the BEST cards for every occasion! My b-day card was no exception. THANKS friend!!!! And, just for kicks, here's a pic of me this weekend...its the most recent one I've got!

Finally, some new pics!

Well, a friend of mine let my kids play with his camera, so I've got some new pics to post! That, and I downloaded the pictures from my triathlons...so there you go! The first ones are the girls this past weekend, waiting for me to finish one of my races. The picture below is of me at the end of the St. George tri...it was hot and hard, but I finished! And I don't look too dead! It was a ton of fun. Thank goodness for friends like Noreen, who keep me motivated to stay in shape and have fun competing in these races!

I'm getting worse and worse...

It's now been almost two months since my last entry...these entries are getting shorter and farther apart over time...not something I'm proud of as a blogger.

So much has happened since my last post...wait, I can't even remember what my last post was about, so I'll just letter rip. Hope you can keep up, because this is going to be a lightening round post.

In the last month or two I've been in 4 triathlons, I think I posted about the first one or two, but the big one was two weeks ago. It was a rough race, and I wasn't in tip top shape, so I was a bit apprehensive about how I'd perform. But, in the end it was just a lot of fun. I finished without falling over at the finish line. I'm happy with that performance. It was indeed the slowest 5k time I've EVER recorded. But alas, the course was extremely difficult. It had rocks, sand, steep climbs, and 90+ degree heat. It was nasty.

About a month ago, my divorce went through. I can't really explain the emotions, there were a lot of them. I think the most overwhelming one was relief though. It's been a really difficult year, and this gave me some closure and a sense of relief. I feel like I can really start to move on now.

I got my Hawaii bar results--I passed, WHEW!!!! It felt good not to have failed that exam, but it made me really sad thinking about the fact that I can return to Hawaii and be employable, but I really don't have the freedom to move there anytime soon. It's completely my choice, but I just can't do it. I know it's not right to uproot. So I remain here in the armpit of the midwest, trying to find new and exciting ways to live out the days here.

I can't think of other big stuff that's happened in the last month, even though I know it's there...I'm just too tired. I guess I'll try to fill in a little at a time. I'm feeling a bit down lately. That's probably another reason this post is so boring...

Ok, I'll catch up somemore later.

I'm FINALLY back on!!!

My computer has been on the blitz for over a month now, and I've been having internet withdrawals...I could have been updating at work, but work has been so busy lately I just don't have time. It's a good thing I bothered the computer store enough to get a loaner computer. It has been a godsend for sure!

Life has been ok lately, I guess I've got a lot of time to make up for...

Hmmmm....well, in March Andrea came for a visit, and that was lots and lots of fun! I also had my first triathlon of the season, and I did pretty well considering it was the first of the season! I've been trying to focus my training on the St. George triathlon coming up in a few weeks...that'll be fun! AND, it'll kick my butt!

Not a whole lot going on in my life...work keeps me super busy, but so do the girls and life in general. Ok, gotta go for now, I'll add more as it comes to mind.

Happy Monday!!!

Here's some stuff I'd written last saturday:

Well, the new me did a good thing. Actually, I did about four good things. And as a result of those four good things, I have one FANTASTIC result. I feel GREAT in a very complete way!
Let's just go through my day, and you'll understand.

1. I woke up this morning and cleaned my house. It always feels good to clean house, but this time was special. I re-organized my bedroom--my sanctuary--my haven from the world. It's been a mess since about January, when I got caught up in studying and work and life, and I was feeling the way my room was looking.

2. After cleaning up, I exercised. This week has been great. I got my 5 workouts in for the week, even though I had to double up on some days to get it in, I did it! I met my goal! I went for a 3 mile run (it was supposed to be a long slow run--about 2 hours, but after the first mile, I realized that a 2 hour run was not going to make me feel good). After the run, I came home for a bit, then headed off to our last game of church ball. Yes folks, I gave in and played, and it was a BLAST!!! Our team ROCKS! If only I hadn't missed about 3 games, we wouldn't have forfeited them, and we would be heading to regionals!! But alas, we came in 3rd in the stake, and the team we beat by over 20 points today is heading to the regional tournament. I think the rankings are fixed--the lady in charge of the stake is in the team we beat. It's at least suspicious...

3. I came home after the game, showered, and went to the temple. It's been more than 2 months since I last went because I got so caught up in life. Isn't that typical? I had been wondering why I was feeling so Blah lately, but as I walked into the temple, the feeling of serenity and content just overwhelmed me, and I felt peace. I've been needing that peace in my life lately (if you don't believe me, just read my previous blog entries). So those couple of hours really charged my batteries.

4. I communicated effectively!!!!! I think I'm most proud of that one because I used to have such a hard time communicating. This time, because of the anger I had been feeling lately (see previous blog entries), I needed to get it all resolved. So I just talked to all of the individuals involved, as well as a few extras, and I am now on great terms with the individual whom I had been extremely upset at. She was upset at me before, and so we just resolved all of our upset-ness, and now it's all good.

So I had an excellent day. I feel 400% better than I did when I woke up this morning!

So today was a bit stressful for a while because of work, but overall, after de-compressing a bit, I was relaxed and enjoyed the evening with the girls. After school we went to see "aquamarine" on Pualei's recommendation...it was definitely a kids show, and the girls LOVED it...don't know if I'd get it for them, it was a bit more mature than I'd like them to see, lots of boyfriends and jealous girls and stuff...

We came home and made a lazy dinner of spam and rice and eggs...I wasn't really feeling like putting together a hard-core meal, especially since we got home after 6.

Stuff is goin' pretty good. I went running this morning with a girl from my ward, just around the neighborhood so I wasn't gone long, but it was nice to run with a partner again, after so long...it's been over a year since I last trained with someone. Yeah, in-laws stop doing stuff with you when you're in the middle of a divorce. I might run a marathon in september with this girl from my ward. That would be fun!

Two and a half weeks until my first triathlon of the season!!!! I'm excited.

Anyways, time for bed.

Life is exhausting.

Less has definitely been more lately.

I think I'll try to live by that rule for a while.

I'm out.